I always feel guilty. Last night, after a long week home with the kids home for school vacation, and feeling pain in my shoulder and neck once again from carrying a 32 pound toddler, I scheduled a massage. I felt guilty because my husband was rushing home from work so I quickly cleaned the house, made the bed, scrubbed the toilets and added some bleach to our kitchen sinks for good measure. I made him a spinach, lentil and walnut salad and threw some organic chicken nuggets in the oven for the kids. He came home at 5:05, clearly flustered that he left work earlier than he should have. So, I felt guilty.
My massage appointment was at 5:15. I was 10 minutes late. I am always 10 minutes late and always feel guilty about it. My Haitian massage therapist said, “we were just about to call you, what happened?” so I groused about my husband and how he wasn’t home as early as he should have been, which was kind of a lie. I felt guilty about that. But then I felt even more guilty when she started the massage and I asked her if she was married and she said “I was” and then I find out that her husband dropped dead of a heart attack. So then I felt guilty and started this whole conversation about husbands dying young, how were her kids, etc. Then we start talking about Haiti and how poor of a country it is and how wasteful we are in America. I start to feel guilty about wasting food, buying new sneakers for my son and getting a massage. But I press on. Ask her what her 18 year old will do after college. Turns out, he is autistic. High functioning, but autistic, oh- and so is her middle daughter.
I turn over and shut myself up and try to start relaxing, but I think of the things I am feeling guilty about. Complaining about my husband. Not eating heart healthy. Being late to daycare pickup on Thursday and having the owner look at the clock and show her disapproval. Not writing enough. Not blogging enough. Spending money at Whole Foods. Spending money at Nordstrom Rack. Not paying attention to my kids. Being messy.
This morning I went to yoga and tried to clear my head and felt guilty about not clearing my head, not working to my true potential and being hard on myself.
One thing I don’t feel guilty about but probably should: watching Bravo. Maybe Lisa Vanderpump will make me feel better. And I can start fresh on Monday.